Rappers, Cheerleaders and Samoon
Today is a slow day here…at least for me it is. It’s only 113 degrees with lots of dust in the air. It’s also Friday, which is like our Saturday. Even most of the bad guys tone it down and take the day off. Minimal Iraqi staff, minimal phone calls and minimal orders being passed. You wouldn’t even know there’s a war going on.
The Vice President is in town, but we don’t expect him to make it to our little base, so for now I’ll put away the red, white and blue bunting I’ve been saving for just such an occasion and go back to my office and play the unauthorized copy of Beach Head on my computer.
We don’t get many visitors here. The visitors we do get are usually cheerleaders in something short and tight. The Raiderettes were the last ones that were here. Just what a guy needs to see when he hasn’t been around women in months. I can’t bring myself to go see them. When one of my neighbors was deployed, The Redskins cheerleaders visited his unit on a much larger base. There were hundreds of soldiers taking thousands of photographs…which were immediately e-mailed home…to their wives. Nothing like being the guy standing next to a cheerleader trying to get quick look at her boobs while a hundred people are taking pictures only to have it instantly emailed to a friend of a friend of a friend’s wife. Good plan.
Other times we get has-been rap stars that feel need to support the troops (and reignite their career). I have yet to recognize the names of any of them. The last one that showed up had giant speaker stacks that were, “kickin’ lot’s of bass.” About 20 soldiers showed up to watch him do his thing. I have to hand it to him, he played like he was in front of a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden. However, I wear my shirt tucked in my pants, my laces are tied, and use my real name when people talk to me. Enough said. Send me Ted Nugent! He genuinely supports the troops, he eats meat and I like his music! He would have loved the 1st Annual USA Style National Sovereignty Day Pork Pull and Beer Bash we had this week.
Today Iraqi Colonel Samoon stopped by. We call him Colonel Samoon because he is soft and doughy just like the Iraqi samoon bread that is a dietary mainstay for the country. He is always friendly, and is quick to shake your hand and show you his great smile displaying his “baked-bean” teeth. He is the kind of guy that when someone talks about him, you ask, “You mean the kind of fat guy that is really friendly with the baked bean teeth?” and everyone knows who you are talking about. He is generally doesn’t do much. He will do just about anything you ask him to do, and he shows a general interest when you bring something to his attention, but you actually have to ask him to do whatever needs to get done. Otherwise, nothing is getting done. He likes to sit back, watch television in his office, enjoy his mid-day nap and his regular meals and a Rip It Energy Drink. (And an occasional cookie or two).
He brought over an order from Baghdad command and said he didn’t know what to do with it, or who to send it to and seemed flustered. It was an Iraqi order, so I had to ask myself, “why would you ask me what to do with it?”
Then after a brief discussion about the tide-turning order that could possibly end the war for good, he turned to the refrigerator and asked for a Coke, pudding and a Rip It.
I’m going to do laundry.